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Saturday 21st June
1986; It's a total of 338 months since my arrival on this planet Earth
and I still can't say I understand these humans that well. Apparently, they
take no notice of the words of their leaders, despising most of them,
especially one called Thatcher, a female. Oddly enough, however, they listen
to politics only when spoken by pop stars, or a gentleman by the name of Ben
Elton. Thus, I made my decision today that if I am to enlighten this small
world at the galaxy's edge, I must purchase a guitar and amplifier. I did so
today at a place in Fleet, called Kingfisher Music. Interesting.
Saturday 28th June 1986; Collected the aforementioned, it seems they
do not trust their banking establishments either. Strange race, homo
sapiens.
Wednesday 2nd July 1986; Enjoyed an episode of "Dallas" this
Wednesday afternoon. Marvellous man is J.R., excellent taste in headwear.
Recorded a ballad I have written entitled "Gotta Get Me Back In Your Heart",
purely as an experiment. I can see that becoming a pop star at the age of
705 (Earth years) is not going to be easy.
Wednesday 16th July 1986; Better. I have recorded a beautiful piece
of classical guitar music entitled "A House With A Haunted View". I shall
view "Top Of The Pops" tomorrow to discover if I have captured the pulse of
the youth.
Thursday 17th July 1986; Oh shit.
Saturday 19th July 1986; Returned to Kingfisher to purchase one of
these synthesizer things that all the young people had on that awful
programme. What price principles? Have also practised the latest trendy talk
that young people use, I am now sure I can dig that groovy re-bop, daddio.
Thursday 7th August 1986; I used my synthesizer and drum machine for
the first time on a tape recording today, "Can't You Leave Me My Dreams?", I
am most proud. Confusingly, however, my young lodger, The Exocet Kid, says
it lacks something he calls "bollocks". I must find out what these items
are, and where I can buy some.
Saturday 23rd August 1986; A young gentleman that I have recently
been working with, by the name of Steve Jack, brought his guitar to my
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home today and
proceeded to show me some "bollocks". The resulting recording, "Jamming With
Steve", is bound to turn on the cats and chicks. Note, am I certain my book
of colloquialisms is up to date?
Thursday 28th August
1986; Experimented with something called "rap" today. The Exocet Kid
tells me it got its name when somebody accidentally left the letter "c" off
of it. "God's Gift" is the title of my self tribute. However, Exocet informs
me that it lacks both bollocks and "street cred". Perhaps I should try
Woolworths for some tomorrow.
Friday 29th August 1986; Shit.
Tuesday 2nd September 1986; Recorded another version of "God's Gift",
preferred the first. For some reason, everybody thinks it is a joke.
Recorded a new ballad called "Sadly". The Exocet Kid now informs me that not
only do I need bollocks and street cred, but I also need some "well
dangerous". Music seems to be a most perplexing business.
Wednesday 3rd September
1986; Recorded a song called "Tarts" that I wrote when I was young, I
now have it on good authority that I have a hit that will have sold a
million by tomorrow.
Thursday 4th September 1986; Shit.
Saturday 13th September 1986; Recorded a tribute to my ex-wife
entitled "Hate Ya Guts Baby". Just thought I'd mention it.
Tuesday 30th September 1986; Ballads, ballads, ballads... "Gotta Get
Me Back In Your Heart" (in full) on the 4th, "Always Trina" (for a charming
human female) on the 17th, "I Don't Believe Anymore" yesterday and "It
Always Happens On Sundays" today. The Exocet Kid assures me it will not do
unless I wish to compete with somebody called Cliff. It is no good, I simply
must discover the secrets of the Weirdobop, as discovered by a small
three-eyed green alien by the name of Albert. Only then can I use my
knowledge as a qualified Doctor Of Psychotronics to prove to the world that
they'll all have to be nice to eachother and get L.S.D. on the National
Health before they have any chance of long term happiness. Oh yes, and they
must get rid of those nuclear bomb things, I had a rather nasty accident
with one of them in what used to be the State Of "The Art" on the planet
Gamma Syndrome from whence I came.
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